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Super-sized
caskets reflect U.S. battle with the bulge Some
people golf in their spare time. Others collect stamps. Some of us keep an eye
out for clever church signs. Like
this one, which I spied in front of a little brick chapel at the Beach last
summer: Don't
wait for six strong men to bring you to church.
Six
strong men. Pallbearers. Get it? It
took me a minute, too, but I liked the slogan so much I nearly hit a tree as I
steered with my knees to jot it down. Trouble
is, this sign may be wrong. Dead wrong. According
to a New York Times story that was picked up by many Sunday papers, including
this one, it could take eight strong men to bring some guests of honor to
their own funerals. Maybe
more. When
it comes to Americans, we're talking about a lot of dead weight. The
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which has formally dubbed obesity an
American ``epidemic,'' estimates that 60 percent of us are overweight, while
one-fourth of us are certifiably obese. Sadly,
the battle of the bulge doesn't end with death. According to the Times, American
fatness has found a final frontier: the funeral industry. It
seems that those of us wearing relaxed-fit jeans and flowing caftans simply
can't squeeze into those sleek, standard-sized coffins anymore. In
a cruel twist of fate, anyone who tops 300 pounds is a candidate not only for
diabetes, heart disease and premature death but also for burial problems. To
accommodate larger folks, some casket manufacturers have begun making double-,
even triple-, wide boxes. The aptly named Goliath Casket of Lynn, Ind.,
specializes in colossal caskets. In the beginning, sales were slim for Goliath.
The Times reports that when the company opened its doors in the 1980s, it was
selling just one of its jumbo caskets a year. (Its roomiest model is 44 inches
across, compared to the regular 24 inches.) These
days, Goliath cranks out four or five of these capacious coffins every month. If
only the woes of the recently departed ended with finding a casket that fits. It
doesn't. Whenever an oversized casket is needed, a domino effect is unleashed. A
Fats Domino effect. The
Times points out that a bigger casket requires a bigger hearse and a
bigger vault. A bigger vault requires a bigger grave. A bigger grave begets a
bigger plot. And a bigger plot begets a bigger grave-digging scoop. All
of this begets a bigger bill for the grieving family. Cremation,
usually a less costly alternative, may not work for the morbidly obese because
some rotund remains can't fit into standard-sized crematoriums. It's
taken it a while, but the funeral industry finally is beginning to understand
what canny clothing manufacturers have known for years: Americans come in all
sizes, and those sizes are getting bigger. Until
the burial business catches up, it might be nice if the companies that have
helped Americans increase their girth would ease their grief. Fast-food
chains could take the lead by offering coupons good for a one-way rides in an
extra-wide hearse. Soft
drink manufacturers could hide tokens for free triple-wide coffins under the
caps of their sugary soft drinks. Ice
cream purveyors could offer discounted double-dip burial plots near the green
pastures where their Guernseys graze. Or
better yet, we could all join a gym with the goal of trying to fit into last
year's caskets. Because when you think about it, it really shouldn't take more
than six strong men to bring us to church. Reach
Kerry at 446-2306 or at kerry.dougherty@att.net |